Feelings, nothing more than feelings... and a bit of honesty
This week has been tough. If I allow myself to be honest, the past few months have been pretty tough. Damn stressful too. I've been lacking sleep and letting things I have no control over get the best of me. Some days or weeks, I feel I'm in control, other days it's not so good.
I was feeling a bit lethargic this week. Which is crazy, because I finally found things that I wanted to do during the week, like actually getting outside and doing, now that I'm not really sick anymore. Yet I was feeling so drained that I let it get away from me.
I keep getting sick which sucks balls, but I think I can get the upper hand on things now. I was reading through posts on some of my older blogs (I have a few scattered around the interwebs), and came across a post that gave me like a "wake-up call/Snap out of it!" sort of thing.
"Except maybe because of my personality - where I just tend to look on the bright side of things, not really allowing myself to fret over things I feel I have no control over - I don't dwell on things that can't be changed. Or maybe I don't fret over it because I've learned there's nothing I can do about it by just sulking. "
It's crazy how I seem to have lost bits of myself.
Where is the me who didn't worry endlessly about things I had no control over? Where's the me that lived by la Nonna's saying "Ormai é fato" (roughly translates to "oh well, it's already done"). It's not a way of living where you excuse everything that happens, but you don't dwell on things you can't change, you deal with it and move on with your life.
What you can change, are the boundaries you set for yourself. Standing your ground if those boundaries ever get challenged. I used to have boundaries... I've allowed myself to live so long by being influenced by others. As they say, you most resemble the 5 people you're closest to. Coupled by my fear of conflicts, not liking confrontations to the point of trying my best to avoid them completely, even if it means smothering my feelings, or allowing others to overstep my boundaries. But in doing so, I'm plagued into overthinking everything. *exasperated sigh*
So I started reading online about what a people pleaser or pushover is (basically the same thing). I don't have all the common points, but I do have some.
The points I have in common are as follow:
1 - feeling uncomfortable if someone is angry at you (doesn't apply towards strangers)
2 - you can't say no. (I've been working on this, so I can say no, but if the person gets mad, I sometimes give in because #1. I'm uncomfortable if someone is angry at me.)
3 - you go to great lengths to avoid conflict (because #1)
4 - don't admit when your feelings are hurt (not something I've always done, but happens more often now because #1 I feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at me, even if I haven't done anything wrong)
5 - over-functioning (agreeing to do things in order to please others so that #1 doesn't come into play)
6 - withholding (not all thoughts and opinions, but yes, on emotions. I have a hard time expressing my emotions)
Knowing this, I started reading on how to build my mental strength. To sum it up, I need to work on saying "no" and standing firm, overcoming my fear (let's be honest, being uncomfortable with something comes from a fear of something) of having someone be angry with me.
working on building mental strength:
- identifying 3 things I'm grateful for
- focusing on the here and now
- faking it 'till i make it (act confident in order to become confident)
- pay attention to bad habits and nip them in the bud (negative thoughts, feels of wanting to give up, etc)
I was reading someone's blog (click here) earlier (post written by: Caterina Kostoula), and they mentioned that when you feel an emotion, you should speak it right away, instead of keeping it bottled inside.
So, as soon as you feel something, you identify what it is (which emotion you're feeling), why you're feeling it and right after, just blurt it out.
You start by stating "I feel.." Then you pair it with the emotion you're feeling - happy, sad, mad or scared. After stating the emotion, you explain it. Like "I feel happy because you kept me company while I was washing the dishes." It can be anything, the important thing is that you express yourself. Letting yourself feel the emotions as they come, acknowledging them and voicing them.This is something I struggle with, knowing and understanding my emotions, but also expressing them as they come. After this eye opener, I'm going to try my darndest to apply this to my life!
According to the author of the blog, expressing and defining your emotions in this way is liberating. It keeps you from overthinking about what happened, and bottling things up until you explode from being over emotional. (*raises hand* guilty and not proud of it!) The author also mentions that by expressing yourself in this way, while it might not obliterate conflicts altogether, it will diminish the intensity of the blow, so that an explosion of emotions won't occur. Which is what happens often enough, when we've reached our limit.
The longer we wait to express a feeling, we allow ourselves to forget what it is that "triggered" that emotion. Often what we remember is how we're currently feeling, but not what made us start feeling that way.
Expressing your emotions as they arise is not only good for you because what you're feeling isn't as intense as if you've had time to ruminate over it, but is also beneficial for the other person. Since whatever it was *just* happened, you don't need to recall at which time such and such a thing happened. There's no confusion on their part. If there was a misunderstanding, it gives them a chance to explain. By sharing your feelings in this way, it incites your loved ones (friends, family) to do the same with you. You all gain a deeper understanding of the other, everyone becomes healthier emotionally, your relationships become stronger.
By sharing feelings you create intimacy, but they have to be shared properly. People tend to make 2 mistakes:
1 - they will share thoughts/opinions
2 - they will blame you for making them feel their feelings
To quote the author "You create intimacy. Some people do not share their emotions because they are afraid of rejection. But, you can only build strong relationships by being honest, vulnerable and authentic." .. "In general, when you could introduce a "that" after "I feel", it means you are sharing a thought and not a feeling. That is why I turned the question to multiple choice. Are you mad, sad, scared or happy?" ""You make me feel.." Nobody has the power to make you feel anything. Your feelings are yours to own. Also, if you blame others for your negative feelings, you will elicit defensiveness instead of understanding. That is not what you want."
With all of this, I now know what I need to work on to better myself.
Have any of you struggled with this before? Share your thoughts and/or opinions.
Have a great day my loverlys~
P.S: It's crazy cool how all this reading actually boosted my mood! I'm not feeling lethargic anymore and feel like I can start fresh tomorrow.
I was feeling a bit lethargic this week. Which is crazy, because I finally found things that I wanted to do during the week, like actually getting outside and doing, now that I'm not really sick anymore. Yet I was feeling so drained that I let it get away from me.
I keep getting sick which sucks balls, but I think I can get the upper hand on things now. I was reading through posts on some of my older blogs (I have a few scattered around the interwebs), and came across a post that gave me like a "wake-up call/Snap out of it!" sort of thing.
"Except maybe because of my personality - where I just tend to look on the bright side of things, not really allowing myself to fret over things I feel I have no control over - I don't dwell on things that can't be changed. Or maybe I don't fret over it because I've learned there's nothing I can do about it by just sulking. "
It's crazy how I seem to have lost bits of myself.
Where is the me who didn't worry endlessly about things I had no control over? Where's the me that lived by la Nonna's saying "Ormai é fato" (roughly translates to "oh well, it's already done"). It's not a way of living where you excuse everything that happens, but you don't dwell on things you can't change, you deal with it and move on with your life.
What you can change, are the boundaries you set for yourself. Standing your ground if those boundaries ever get challenged. I used to have boundaries... I've allowed myself to live so long by being influenced by others. As they say, you most resemble the 5 people you're closest to. Coupled by my fear of conflicts, not liking confrontations to the point of trying my best to avoid them completely, even if it means smothering my feelings, or allowing others to overstep my boundaries. But in doing so, I'm plagued into overthinking everything. *exasperated sigh*
So I started reading online about what a people pleaser or pushover is (basically the same thing). I don't have all the common points, but I do have some.
The points I have in common are as follow:
1 - feeling uncomfortable if someone is angry at you (doesn't apply towards strangers)
2 - you can't say no. (I've been working on this, so I can say no, but if the person gets mad, I sometimes give in because #1. I'm uncomfortable if someone is angry at me.)
3 - you go to great lengths to avoid conflict (because #1)
4 - don't admit when your feelings are hurt (not something I've always done, but happens more often now because #1 I feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at me, even if I haven't done anything wrong)
5 - over-functioning (agreeing to do things in order to please others so that #1 doesn't come into play)
6 - withholding (not all thoughts and opinions, but yes, on emotions. I have a hard time expressing my emotions)
Knowing this, I started reading on how to build my mental strength. To sum it up, I need to work on saying "no" and standing firm, overcoming my fear (let's be honest, being uncomfortable with something comes from a fear of something) of having someone be angry with me.
working on building mental strength:
- identifying 3 things I'm grateful for
- focusing on the here and now
- faking it 'till i make it (act confident in order to become confident)
- pay attention to bad habits and nip them in the bud (negative thoughts, feels of wanting to give up, etc)
I was reading someone's blog (click here) earlier (post written by: Caterina Kostoula), and they mentioned that when you feel an emotion, you should speak it right away, instead of keeping it bottled inside.
So, as soon as you feel something, you identify what it is (which emotion you're feeling), why you're feeling it and right after, just blurt it out.
You start by stating "I feel.." Then you pair it with the emotion you're feeling - happy, sad, mad or scared. After stating the emotion, you explain it. Like "I feel happy because you kept me company while I was washing the dishes." It can be anything, the important thing is that you express yourself. Letting yourself feel the emotions as they come, acknowledging them and voicing them.This is something I struggle with, knowing and understanding my emotions, but also expressing them as they come. After this eye opener, I'm going to try my darndest to apply this to my life!
According to the author of the blog, expressing and defining your emotions in this way is liberating. It keeps you from overthinking about what happened, and bottling things up until you explode from being over emotional. (*raises hand* guilty and not proud of it!) The author also mentions that by expressing yourself in this way, while it might not obliterate conflicts altogether, it will diminish the intensity of the blow, so that an explosion of emotions won't occur. Which is what happens often enough, when we've reached our limit.
The longer we wait to express a feeling, we allow ourselves to forget what it is that "triggered" that emotion. Often what we remember is how we're currently feeling, but not what made us start feeling that way.
Expressing your emotions as they arise is not only good for you because what you're feeling isn't as intense as if you've had time to ruminate over it, but is also beneficial for the other person. Since whatever it was *just* happened, you don't need to recall at which time such and such a thing happened. There's no confusion on their part. If there was a misunderstanding, it gives them a chance to explain. By sharing your feelings in this way, it incites your loved ones (friends, family) to do the same with you. You all gain a deeper understanding of the other, everyone becomes healthier emotionally, your relationships become stronger.
By sharing feelings you create intimacy, but they have to be shared properly. People tend to make 2 mistakes:
1 - they will share thoughts/opinions
2 - they will blame you for making them feel their feelings
To quote the author "You create intimacy. Some people do not share their emotions because they are afraid of rejection. But, you can only build strong relationships by being honest, vulnerable and authentic." .. "In general, when you could introduce a "that" after "I feel", it means you are sharing a thought and not a feeling. That is why I turned the question to multiple choice. Are you mad, sad, scared or happy?" ""You make me feel.." Nobody has the power to make you feel anything. Your feelings are yours to own. Also, if you blame others for your negative feelings, you will elicit defensiveness instead of understanding. That is not what you want."
With all of this, I now know what I need to work on to better myself.
Have any of you struggled with this before? Share your thoughts and/or opinions.
Have a great day my loverlys~
P.S: It's crazy cool how all this reading actually boosted my mood! I'm not feeling lethargic anymore and feel like I can start fresh tomorrow.
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